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New Years Resolutions
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This year, I resolve to:
Always replace the gas nozzle Â
I will always “check for paper” Â Â
I will try to drive closer to the speed limit. Â Â
I will always wear clean underwear, “just in case”. Â Â
I will keep an extra safe distance when driving behind police cars. Â Â
I will no longer park the BMW Â and never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with a known practical joker.
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While I’m not always the best at keeping them, I’m consistent, and I’m sure this year will be better than ever before.
RESOLUTION #1:
1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2001: I will read 5 books a year.
2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2004: I will read at least one article this year.
2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
RESOLUTION #2:
1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
RESOLUTION #3:
1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.
RESOLUTION #4:
2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2003: I will not leave Marge.
2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
RESOLUTION #5:
2002: I will stop looking at other women.
2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2005: I will stop looking at other women.
RESOLUTION #6:
2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
RESOLUTION #7:
2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2005: I will not speak to Charlie.
RESOLUTION #8:
2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2004: I will not become a “problem drinker”.
2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.
RESOLUTION #9:
2002: I will see my dentist this year.
2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
RESOLUTION #10:
2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.
Related Posts:Bill and his driver
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back
to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all ripped and torn. “What happend to you?” asked
Bill. “Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-
old daughter made mad passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell
them?” asks Clinton. The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver,
and I just killed the pig.”
 Long back,a person who sacrificed his sleep,forgot his family,
forgot his food,forgot laughter were called “Saints”
But now they are called..
“IT professionals”Â
Â
Grazzy bikers
An interesting line written at the back of a Biker’s T Shirt:” If you are able to see this, Please tell me that my galfriend has fallen off”
Love
Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love..
Love is always present..
Its just that,One loves too much,and
The other loves too many.Â
 Philosophy of life
At the begining of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!Â
What is a Fear?
Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach
When pages of your book still smell new
and
Just few hours left for your exams..!
 Just4Fun
Someone has rightly said, “A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer”
No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!
Â
Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?
Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says “To the only boy I ever loved.!”
Girl: Thats good, Give me 12 of them..!
After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: ” WE do have an opening for you..!
Applicant: What is it?
Interviewer: Its called the “door..!”
A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..
Drive Slowly, Dont kill our Employee…
…… Leave them to us
Out first ball
In a country town match, the batsman was out first ball. ‘Not like last week,’ said the wicket-keeper.
‘No,’ said the batsman. ‘Last week I stayed in and got forty and when I got back all the beer was gone!’
Related Posts:Two Lovers Plan to die
2 Lovers plan to suicide.
Boy jumped first,
Girl closed her eyes & return back saying love is blind.
Boy in air opened his parachute saying love never dies.
CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
Related Posts:Dear January,
how r February and March,
April is not bad,
Tell may, June and July dat August,
September and October got accident in November,
Yours December.
Related Posts:Here are some of the messages that I received today
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